Straight guy here in an open one sided relationship. My wife and I opened our relationship to her and female only, so she could explore her androgynous side. I’m so proud of her for coming out and I wanted her to feel good. When we agreed on that, I was naive and thought whatever you lived through would be purely sexual and nothing more. She recently caught feelings and now has a girlfriend. She stays at her friend’s house one or two nights a week. I get jealous and sick to my stomach when you’re there. She has “new relationship energy” and talks about her boyfriend all the time. Aside from jealousy, I feel like it’s not my priority. I hope my feelings will improve over time. Besides this, our marriage is wonderful. I love my wife very much and I want to support her in this matter. Can one-sided open relationships work? Are my feelings unexplained and what do I do to better deal with them? The reasoning used when we talked about an open, one-sided relationship was that I can’t satisfy the female side you want. But since I’m heterosexual, I don’t have an “incomplete” side.-Home Alone
Your wife is not the first person to appear bisexual after making a monogamous commitment with a partner of the opposite sex and then requesting permission to sleep with other people – without wanting to extend the same permission to their straight spouse. Since she’s bi and can’t get pussy at home, the logic goes, she should be allowed to get pussy somewhere else. Since you are straight and can have a pussy at home (when that pussy is in the house), you are not entitled to the same allowance. But as your wife, HA, explains, it’s not just the pussy that you get elsewhere. While she’s getting a very specific need fulfilled outside of your relationship – a need you can’t satisfy – she gets so much more than that. In addition to the pussycat, she gets variety, adventure, unique experiences, new relationship energy, and two nights a week. Why don’t you have some of that too?
Not even for the outcome, but for the feeling that you are an equal partner in this marriage and, as such, entitled to equal terms, equal treatment, and equal benefits. And it doesn’t seem like you two were on the same page when it came to what it entailed to open your relationship. It sounds like you assumed – or thought – that your wife would seek sex elsewhere, sex and sex only, but your wife “caught up” and now she has a girlfriend. Agreeing to an open relationship unilaterally is not the same as agreeing to unilateral polygamy. If you do not agree to this, your spouse has no right to expect this from you or impose it on you.
However, open one-sided relationships can be great, but they work better when a person who is not seeking sex outside the relationship is either not interested in having sex with other people or is turned on by an erotic power imbalance than being off-limits to something allowed Its for her husband – basically, this can work if you’re a cuckold. which is not.
I am a straight man who has been married to a wonderful woman for 35 years. I’m the only person she’s ever been with. Over the years, I have developed into a wonderful giving partner who is open to the things that excite me. I am proud of being able to give her multiple orgasms even though she only wants to do it once a month. She was happy to give me pleasure a few times a month even, but she talks about them as if they were chores (“marital duties”) and always asks me why I want them so much. Tell her it’s only natural for men to want it more, and I wish she wanted it more too! I have used porn to get off since my teens. She accepts this because it means less housework for her, but she doesn’t like it. I have recently started using my phone to take videos of her doing an oral role to me because I enjoy watching this and it cuts down on porn. She checked my phone and was upset by what she saw. I told her I was sorry, but she said I should have asked permission. I told her I was going to ask permission, but I knew the answer would be no! Of course it wouldn’t be, she said, describing him as sick and gross! I tried to make it clear again that it’s totally normal for most men to want to watch and it’s just for my eyes! Like I said, she evolved, as early in the marriage she would never have done some of the things she learned to do while pleasing me! Long story short, any words of advice about this exciting activity for me, and not so much for the sake of it.I really appreciate your advice, Sweet Savage
It is not acceptable to take pictures or videos of someone doing a sexual act without their consent, sayas, even if that person is your spouse. Even if that person has less sexual desire than you, even if that person would rather you not look at porn, even if that person enjoys most of the things you want them to do – not only isn’t that good, Sias, it’s a crime. It’s not normal behaviour, it’s foolish behavior – and again, it’s literally criminal in most places. So your wife has every right to be angry. I violated it and did so knowingly; You say you didn’t ask for permission to create these videos because you knew she would say no. Hey friend. If your wife writes to me, Sayas, I advise her to hire a lawyer and divorce you.
We hear a lot about the most important commitment to monogamy in marriage. How about a less stressful but clearly important commitment to a healthy sex life? I am a straight man. I have been married for about 20 years. I have never cheated on my wife, although I have come close to doing so in recent years. My wife and I had a healthy sex life for the first 10 years. For the past ten years, we haven’t had sex at all. We are both in our late forties, athletic and attractive, and neither of us suffer from overwhelming physical or mental issues. My wife is so preoccupied with her work and personal identity that she has stopped caring about sex. It’s fine to say, “You need to talk about this with her,” but I know from years of experience that would be pointless. She refuses to discuss it. And I made it clear that if I were to do anything outside of marriage, it would be unforgivable infidelity. I vacillate between acceptance, frustration, bitterness and deep anger. Yes, I signed up for monogamy. But what did you sign up for? Can a woman or man in monogamy break off sex for no reason and still expect or demand monogamy, as my wife does? What do I owe her? And what does she owe me? Despite this problem, we are good partners, good friends, and good parents to our two teenage children. Protecting them from the shock of divorce and not hurting my wife – these are the reasons why I stayed in the marriage. But it is neither right nor fair that I am monogamous, and that I will never experience physical intimacy again, not so much as a kiss or a touch, for the rest of my life, because my wife has decided that this part of her life is over. What do other people think?– Sad to lose love
The folks in the savage.love comment threads took me to task recently for being too quick to give my blessing to cheating… So, instead of answering this question myself, I’ll open it up for commenters: What do you guys think singles should do? Personally, I don’t think anyone can insist on monogamy while refusing to meet the reasonable sexual needs of their partner. (Well, anyone can insist on that, but they shouldn’t expect it.) Please don’t tell alone to talk to his wife. He’s tried to talk about it – he’s tried over and over for 10 years – and his wife refuses to discuss it. So, gang, what should he do? Does he do the right thing and get a divorce? Or does he do what it takes to remain married and sane? I’ll see you in the comments thread.